REVIEW: Snow White and the Huntsman

I have to preface this review by saying that I watched this movie back when it first came out, and thought it was a perfectly fine movie. Some weird bits. Went on too long, but pretty good otherwise.

That's why I bought the movie when it was on sale.

Now that I am watching it again, I don't know what I was thinking. This is a big pile of stinking garbage.

4/10 - I liked it once. Now I want to tear out my eyeballs it's so bad. Please don't make me watch this again. 

I take it some people in Hollywood think it's trendy to adapt fairy tales. Why anyone banked on this being a good idea is beyond me. (Maeby Funke?) There are a grand total of none that have been good. I have my score card to prove it.

Trying to turn the kids story of Snow White into a dramatic, stylized, action movie is the equivalent of trying to polish ... mud. I am supposed to take this "mirror mirror on the wall" stuff super seriously? And the seven dwarfs? That's straight out of Game of Thrones! Of course I'll think it's legit.

The redeeming factor is the fact that every scene with Charlize is golden. The lady can do crazy. Watching her is like watching a bad student art project, but with a $170,000,000 budget. She's fabulous but it's not movie redeeming fabulous.

The fact that I am expected to spend two full hours of my life watching Kristen Stewart prance around with the same "vampire lover" expression, is the mental equivalent of water boarding. Saying "this is bullshit" would be an insult to bullshit. I don't think I can remember anything she even did in the movie, and she's the damn protagonist.

At least Thor gave us something to look at. He gives a good effort. I can get the point he is trying to make, as his sexy voice narrates the movie. There is however, one point where "Snow" says some stuff to the people and they revolt against Queen Charlize (God Bless the Queen). This was clearly the Braveheart moment of the film. She was supposed to be the driving force to help the people. What a flop. She showed the ambition of a wet noodle. Do Kristen and Chris have chemistry? No, of course not. Not that I blame them. I don't think little miss "wahh" face couldn't make that happen, since there are no tight close ups with Muse playing in the background. Their romance is cringe-worthy because I feel sorry for these people, having to act it. This is a $170 million dollar film, and I feel sorry that the actors have to do this crap. What kind of movie is this?

In conclusion, if you want a Lord of the Rings style version of a predictable children's tale, with bizarrely amped up moments that appear to be totally irrelevant to the plot, as well as some of the worst acting ever recorded on film, this movie's for you! It's so slow, and dull that you might fall asleep and not realize!

I am reluctant to even link to this movie because I don't want to make anyone else endure this torture.

IMDB - Snow White and the Huntsman (6.2 - You've got to be kidding me)
Wikipedia - Snow White and the Huntsman
Rotten Tomatoes - Snow White and the Huntsman (48% - That's more like it)
Amazon.ca - Snow White and the Huntsman